I am grieving. This hurts. I have lost my spouse. Dealing with this type of loss is traumatizing. When my husband first left, I went through the normal stages: denial, resentment, mourning, anguish, hysteria, and detachment, among many others.  The list of my emotions could be infinite.  Acknowledging the reality that he was never coming back is one the hardest things I have ever done. I had to admit to myself that my husband was gone, and that soon enough, he wouldn’t even be my husband anymore. My marriage is dead. I have lost my husband.

Although, the realization that I lost my husband came first, I quickly started to grasp that he was not the only thing that I would be losing. He was my best friend; I am losing my best friend. Ultimately, there was no one else I would rather spend time with. He was my trusted side-kick. From the day we met, until we arrived in America, we had been together 24-7 for over three years. We had fun together. We appreciated each other’s quirks, and enjoyed our shared sarcastic banter. We enjoyed playfully pushing one another’s buttons, and getting the inane reactions we were after.  We knew each other better than anyone else could, probably better than we knew ourselves. We relied on each other for everything. Our friendship was inimitable, but now it is gone. I have lost my best friend.

I lost my family. Not as in my own biological family, but my in-laws. Through our marriage, I gained a lot of new family members that I adore. These wonderful people became an enormous part of my life. In fact, my mother-in-law became one of my closest friends. My own grandparents have passed away, but by marrying him, I gained two grandmothers and a grandfather. I acquired younger brothers, a sister, and cousins with unmatched witticism. I quickly found things in common with each of them.  After I gave birth to my son, they were all there for me as I was adjusting to being a new mother in a foreign country.  I will forever be indebted to these remarkable people.  I love my in-laws, but they are no longer ‘my’ family. When push comes to shove, they are his blood, my son’s blood, but not mine. I know most of them do not condone what he did; but regardless, they are still only his and my son’s family. Eventually, another woman will take the title of his wife, and she will be their family. I must sorrowfully and regretfully, relinquish my family ties to these people. His people. Good people. I have lost them.

I have lost my pride. With one fail swoop, I was branded. I no longer hold the titles of wife and mother, that I so treasured. Sure, I am still a mother, but now I am a single mother. I am separated, estranged, and will be divorced. While I do not think one should be ashamed of being a single mother or a divorced woman, I just never thought these terms would be used as a narrative to describe myself.  Some of the strongest women I know are single moms.  Seeing their abilities and strength is what is keeping me sane right now.  Although I have temporarily lost my pride, these amazing women give me hope that I too will once again feel pride. Please forgive me and remember, this is all new to me, but for now, I have lost my pride.

He stole my happiness. He was always the ‘strong’ one in the relationship. Things never seemed to bother him. Insults and embarrassment would just roll off his back. He never let anyone or anything cause him the slightest vexation. He is one of the most resilient people I have ever met. I, on the other hand, tend to fall victim to my own emotions.  I have more of an apathetic view, and too many times, have allowed other people to influence my attitude and feelings. I depended on his strength to get me through the rough times in my life. I think everyone has times in life where they feel like they are drowning.  During these times, he was my life line.  He helped me calm down, catch my breath, and pulled me back to reality. He helped pacify my mind until the crisis subsided. Well, what do you do when the person that has always abetted you through your angst is now the one causing it? I was gratified with my life and our family, and he took that away from me. I know that I will be happy again and that the hopelessness I feel will pass, but I can’t quite see the light at the end of that tunnel yet.  Right now, I am merely pulling myself together in the dark. I have lost my happiness.

I have lost my sense of self. I was his wife. I cherished being his wife. I had formulated the blueprint of how our life would be, and who I was.  But now, it has all disappeared. Now, I must completely transform my reality and make a new plan.  I must find out who I want to be, on my own. Determine my future.  I have no choice, but to find a new path; a path that does not include him. I have lost myself. I have been thrown, unexpectedly, off a bridge. I am falling hard and fast, but I will bounce back. I have no choice.

Matthew 4:5 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”