I feel that I need to start this post by explaining that I hold no judgment towards anyone who chooses a path different from mine. We all make our own decisions based on what we think is best for ourselves, our families, and our lives. I do not feel that the decisions I make for my life are in any way better or more appropriate than choices other people have made for themselves. This is just simply what is best for my life at this time. With that said, I want to explain why I am choosing not to date while I am still married.

My marriage is over. It has been for four months now, just not in the legal sense. Legally I am separated, but I am still married. I will be married for the next eight months. For anyone unaware, North Carolina requires married couples to wait one year and one day before allowing them to legally divorce. Some people use this time apart to see if the distance helps them to reconcile. Some people use it as a time to move on, to build a new life so that once the divorce is final and the marriage officially over, they will have their new life established and in place. Some people, like me, use it as a time to heal and reconnect with themselves.  Here are a few other reasons why I am choosing to not date while I am still married.

1. I need to find myself. I am such a different person than I was before my husband and before becoming a mother. I have changed. Some ways for the better, and some ways for the worse. I have become more level headed, more patient, a better daughter, a better sister, and a person who lives to put another human’s needs above my own. On the negative side, I have misplaced who I am. If you were to ask me to tell you about myself, I would struggle to find a description of myself, unrelated to my family, especially my son. It took some serious memory searching to recall the old hobbies and pastimes I enjoyed before becoming a wife and a mother. I am only now starting to rediscover and indulge myself into these things that I used to enjoy. I owe it to myself to spend some time focusing on me again. To see who I am without being a wife. To see who I am alone. Not only as a single mother but simply as a person.
2. I do not want a rebound relationship to put a temporary band aid on my grief. I need to truly heal. I spent years loving one man. I thought that I would love him for the rest of my life. It is going to take me a while to truly get over him and to be ready to move on. I have heard of people making their new relationship ‘Facebook official’ within days of leaving their stunned spouse. That is torturous knowledge, and I can see the appeal of rebound revenge or the momentary numbing of embracing someone else’s affection. But a band aid will not fix a broken leg, and a rebound will not fix a broken heart; no matter how brutal the pain of the loneliness is. Time is the only true healer to this kind of grief.
3. The next man deserves better than what I can offer right now. Currently, I am carrying more baggage than the entire Kardashian family on a week-long excursion. I am on emotional overload, and I refuse to drop this ugly mess onto to some poor guy’s shoulders. In fact, I want the opposite. The weight of it all is grueling, but every day I feel my own strength grow and the load lessens. The next man deserves a strong woman. The one who has overcome all of this. A complete woman. A woman that wants him, not one that needs him. The woman that I know I have the potential to be. I’m just not there yet.
4. I want to be an example to my son. To me, marriage is sacred, and monogamy is paramount. Someday my son is going to talk to me about marriage. Eventually, he is going to meet someone who will steal his heart. Someone that he will want to vow the rest of his life to. When that day comes, I want to be able to not only tell him what marriage means and how it should be valued, but I want my life to be an example. I want my choices to clearly reflect my values. I do not want to be a, “do what I say, not what I do” parent. I want to be a “hear what I say, see what I do” parent.
5. I want to be an example to my son. No typo here; this phrase has dual purposes. While I do plan on dating eventually, I do not plan on dating multiple men. I have time right now to figure out what characteristics I want in a partner, as well as time to determine which qualities I don’t want in a future spouse. This way, once my divorce is settled and I feel that I am ready to begin dating again, I will have a very clear idea of the type of person I am looking for. I want the number of relationships I have in the future to be as minimal as possible. Not only as a benefit for myself but also as a value for my son. I do not want him to witness his mother having a revolving door of relationships. I want him to grow up understanding what a stable, permanent, committed, and enduring relationship looks like. How else will he understand and fully respect the precious union that marriage truly is?
6. I believe that God has bigger plans for me, and He makes everything perfect. So, I’m going step back and give Him time and space to do His work.

I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I do know what will not be included in the next eight months of my life. To be honest, I am glad that I won’t have the added pressure of dating on top of everything else going on right now. Right now, I just want to focus on constructively building my new life. That way I’ll be ready for the future. Whatever, or whoever it brings.

Psalm 143:8 – Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.