Once upon a time, thirty-seven words made up one of the most important promises I will ever make. This promise was supposed to be the start of our forever. I said these words with unrestricted love. A love that I thought would last our lifetime. The disappointing thing about promises is that they are often broken. Our vows were broken, shattered, swept up and thrown in the trash like a glass that was carelessly dropped on the floor. “To have and to hold”; I’m not the one holding him now. “For better or worse”; even after his worst, I was still willing to try to see if we could work through it. “Until death do us part”; how about two years and nine months to the day? Our wedding vows, they meant everything to me, and right now it feels like they may have meant something to me alone. My pending divorce has my mind overflowing with contemplations about what I should do now.

Unfortunately, when a marriage falls apart, the husband and wife can’t simply “break up”. This isn’t high school; it is not that easy. There are actual legalities involved, especially when there is a precious little human stuck in the middle. Because we share this perfect tiny person, my ex will be a part of my life, for the rest of my life. Not the way he originally vowed to be, but he will be there all the same. So, these thoughts brought me to consider that I should write new vows. Not the traditional type of vows, but declarations regarding what I will do for him as we travel down this unfamiliar, and previously unimaginable path of co-parenting.

So, here is my second assemblage of vows, written directly to him…

I vow to support you.  I know that this vow will take work from both of us, but I will do my best to show that even though we may live separate lives, I will support you in matters related to our son.  I hope there will come a time where we can stand together, as a united parental front. Our son deserves to see his parents, not only conversing civilly but also working as a cohesive unit. “Mom said no, so I’m going to ask dad”, happens enough with parents who are together. It will take effort and open communication from both of us to create this family realm while living apart, but the stability it will add to our son’s life will be immeasurable. I know that we are barely on speaking terms at the moment, but I really want this solid structure for him as he grows up. If and/or when I do disagree with you (let’s be honest, it is going to happen), then I will respectfully bring the matter directly to you, so that we can work through the issue and come to a mutually agreed upon solution. With that said, I promise to have your back and to never go against you in front of our son. I hope you will do the same for me.

I vow to never to put my needs above yours. There are going be occasions in our son’s life that will be important to both of us. Moments when we, as parents, are both going to want to be involved in an event in our son’s life. I promise that when these moments occur, I will not be selfish. I will take a step back to consider what is in the best interest for all of us; our son, myself, and you. And if what is best, goes against my personal desire, I will humble myself and set aside my own wishes. We are both his parents, and I will always remember that.

I vow to do my part in raising our son to be an honest person, full of love and integrity. This vow is extremely important to me. He needs to understand the importance of keeping his word and the detrimental power of lies. In the words of Plato, “False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.” Our little boy is so full of love and the joy of life. I want nothing more than to watch these amazing qualities grow and to see him become a truthful, caring and loving man. I want him to understand what unconditional love truly means. A person’s life should not be solely centered around their own happiness. That is a self-centered way of living, and will never facilitate true satisfaction or happiness. Our son will seldom be told, “Do whatever makes you happy”, but instead asked, “What is the right thing to do?” He will be taught that always putting his own happiness over someone else’s, will only cause himself grievance. He will learn that loving and helping others, improves our own character, which in turn, builds priceless self-worth. I promise to help foster his development so he grows to become a genuine and honorable individual. A person who understands his own self-worth, yet still values his relationships with others. There is nothing I want more for him.

I vow that our son will hear the words, “Daddy loves you”, every single day. To be honest, this has been challenging for me lately, but I still do it. I do it because he needs to hear it. Our little man will know that just because you are not physically with him every day, he is important to you and holds a special place in your heart. He will know that he means the world to you and that you will always be there for him. I promise to consistently tell him how much you love him.

I vow to keep your family involved in every aspect of his life. Your family should always have access to him. After all, your family is his family.  If I am able, I will Skype with them so that they can see and speak to him. I will send them pictures and videos of his special moments. When they want to visit, I will do my part to help them spend quality time with him. Your family will always have a special place in my heart, and I promise I will do my utmost to keep them a significant and an active part of his life.

I vow to build you up. Again, this is a tough one for me right now, but I do it. You have many positive traits. I would not have fallen in love with you otherwise. Our son will hear the positive things about you. Your silliness and playfulness, your drive and passion, your strength and courage, and above all else, your love for him. You have many amazing qualities that I hope he will imitate. I promise to convey these attributes to him.

I vow that I will eventually find my way to forgiving you. I will always remember what has been done to me and our son, but one day I will forgive you. I am trying. Every day I try. I feel like I am making progress, but it is a long race and the finish line is still out of sight. In a situation like ours, there is more than one thing to forgive; there are layers of lies and offenses. I have forgiven you for certain transgressions, other wrongdoings are still sitting heavy on my heart. When I do forgive you, I want it to be with complete absolution. I am not there yet, but eventually, I will get there. I promise that one day I will forgive you.

I do not know if my ex will read this, but I feel that these vows are important for me to express. I hope that it helps to build a strong foundation on how our son will be raised, as well as provide myself with accountability. It is easy for me to be overwhelmed by negative emotions right now. The conflict between animosity and mercy can be discouraging, but I will not allow pessimism to overtake me. I will not be held captive by my resentment. How can I help my son grow into the remarkable, caring, wonderful, loving person that he has the potential to be if I am not leading by example?

As for my final vow…

I vow to try to consistently show integrity, grace, faithfulness and unconditional love so that I can be a positive and constructive influence for our child.

The ending of my ‘Once Upon a Time’, will not impact my, or my son’s, ‘Happily Ever After’.

Proverbs 11:3 – The integrity of the upright guides them, but the

crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.