As adults, it is easy to get overwhelmed by current situations and allow them to dominate our thoughts, which in turn can affect our days. My mind has been stuck in a bit of a rut lately.  I think I am out of the wallowing zone, but my circumstances still have an influential hold of my mind.  I keep it together pretty well for my son and for work, but internally I’m perpetually battling my emotions. There is an incessant tug of war between trying to push forward and being pulled back to my tribulations.

Fortunately for me, my four-year-old niece unknowingly and inadvertently lobbed a healthy dose of common sense at me. We took a short trip to a farm nearby so the kids could feed the animals, ride the train, and play on the splash pad. About halfway through the thirty-minute drive to the farm, my niece realized that she left her favorite ‘Elsa’ sunglasses at home. This realization resulted in her having to settle for her less preferred rainbow glasses and quickly turned her previously happy mood into a frustration that only a toddler could produce. She crossed her arms, dropped her chin, and explained that not having her Elsa sunglasses would, “ruin her day”. Like any adult who is constantly surrounded by mini people, I couldn’t help but internally laugh at how such a trivial problem can ruin a potentially fun filled day. My natural sarcasm immediately found ironic humor in the situation. I mean, hello…Elsa said it herself, “Let it go”. My humor was short lived though, as I quickly realized the pot versus kettle hypocrisy of my thoughts. I am struggling with letting go. It’s not always easy to let go of something that is upsetting you, is it? Especially for a distraught four-year-old, or a scorned woman.

I need to let go of caring what other people think about me. Take, for example, giving my toddler a phone to keep him busy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have done this plenty of times in the past, but I always felt a little bad. I perceived that other parents were glaring at me with their petty and judgmental eyes. It’s been a long week and I’m having dinner with some friends. I’m having the first non-work, non-child related, adult conversation in days. Little man is already finished with the meal he’s barely touched. He is loudly demanding, “DOWN!”, and expecting to be taken out of his high chair so that he can run around the restaurant like a crazy person. So, I need to let them judge me all they want, as Mickey Mouse takes my child’s attention long enough for me to scarf down my burrito, and finish my incredibly important conversation on what this week’s Target Red Perks are.

I need to let go of sleeping in. I’m not going to lie; this was one of the hardest transitions in becoming a single mother.  I love to sleep! I used to get to sleep in one morning a week. This extra hour was priceless to me. Thankfully, my son is a good sleeper and rarely gets up during the night, but getting up at 5:30 am so that I can get ready for work and be ready for him when he wakes at 6:30 am, is exhausting. I never thought I would see the day where I would beg to sleep to 8 am.  I would happily even take 7 am. I even tried to barter with my one year old. I offered him a cookie if he would be willing to stay in bed a little longer. The cookie was cheerfully taken, but he despairingly defaulted on his side of the deal. Toddler-1, Mommy-0.

I need to let go of my personal requirement for my house to always be clean and orderly.  My Grandpa always said, “There’s a place for everything, and everything has its place.” While I do not consider myself a ‘neat freak’, I do like to keep a fairly tidy house. Lately though, after working all day, coming home, playing, cooking dinner, giving the tot a bath, and going through the bedtime routine, I’m pooped. I just want to relax and watch a crime show or two. The dishwasher can remain unemptied and the mega block tower and train tracks can stay on the floor. I am gradually understanding that these tasks can be done tomorrow (or the next day). While my house will never reach a filthy level, I will not sacrifice play time, or Mommy’s time, to ensure the house is immaculate. Chores are not more important than my son, or my sanity. Priorities. Period.

I need to let go of the fear of being alone. When all of this started, the thought of being alone was terrifying. In fact, it still is. But I am coming to grips with it. It is hard to rewire your brain. I had been with this person for years and thought I was going to be for the rest of my life. I never imagined that I would be alone. Initially, it was painfully isolating. But the substantiated truth is, I’m not alone. I have been surrounded by my amazing family and friends, many of which I haven’t spoken to in years. Above all else, I have My Heavenly Father, who is never failing and is always with me. I still feel a massive void in the house and in my heart, left by him. But I also feel the tremendous outpouring of love from others, and with this, my insecurities will fade.

I need to let go of the old me. I look back at the person I have become over the past few years, and I don’t completely recognize her. Somewhere along the lines, I starting changing into a different version of myself. Don’t get me wrong, over the past few years I have grown and changed in many positive ways, but my focus shifted. I stopped doing many things that I used to enjoy. I stopped focusing on my own happiness and have put unnecessary pressure on myself to become an image of who I thought I should be. The person, I think, he wanted me to be, and by doing so, I lost part of me.  The past two months have allowed me to rediscover the person that I once was and unite her with the person and mother I have become. It may be too soon to tell, but I think I am going to like her.

So now, anytime my mind becomes inundated with worry, strain, or fear, I hear the ice queen belting at the top of her lungs, “Let it go!” It will take some time to adjust, but there is a freedom that comes from understanding when a situation is beyond your control. It is allowing me to see past the problem and begin to focus on the future; concentrate on things to come.  I see my new life for what it is and am trying to navigate this foreign world; this single world.  I need to let go and embrace it.

1 Peter 5:7 – Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.