Dear You,

I know you don’t want to hear from me. At this point, I’m sure I am nothing more than a thorn in your side, an annoyance that won’t disappear. Heck, through all the anguish there have been times when I wanted to disappear myself. Unfortunately, that’s not an option for me. I have a child, a job, and what is left of the life he and I created together. I have no choice but to stand up, sturdy myself, and push forward. Not only for my sake but for the sake of our child.

I think you should know that I don’t blame you. You are not the one who shattered my world. He did. It was his responsibility to take care of his family and to preserve the promises he made. He alone betrayed me.

When you take the emotion out of it, it sounds simple. He does not belong to anybody; he belongs only to himself. He first chose me, and now he’s chosen you. Again, simple. Regrettably, there are emotions involved and a considerable amount of damage has been done. My life will never be the same.

I do understand though. I was in your place once. The hours-long phone conversations through the night, talking about the most intimate details of our lives. I think that is when I felt our souls bonding; when we started to become one. Listening to his voice…oh, how I love his voice. I used to have him tell me story after story just so I could hear his incredible voice. The attentive way he held me, and gently kissed my shoulder. I could feel myself dissolve into him. The erotic pictures he would send me to himself. I can still see and feel his chiseled body. The assurance of his words made me feel like I could face anything. We were a team. He was my person. He was my best friend. He was my dream turned into reality. So, I understand why you want him. Even after all of this, I still want him. I miss him. I miss my husband.

I was by no means a perfect wife, but I was a good wife. Were things always exciting and passionate? No. Did we let the fact that we both worked 40+ hours a week and have a crazy one-year-old running around the house dominate our lives? Yes. Should we have focused on our relationship more? Yes. Did I ever think it would end like this? No, never. He promised me. He vowed to me. By cheating on me he became the one thing he has always despised. The one thing he swore, not only to me but to himself, that he would never become. I hope that you have the strength and compassion to get him through that. One day the reality of what he has done to me and our son will sink in, and when it does, you better be there to help him. Right now, he is too absorbed in you and his new-found freedom to care, but one day he will. And it will cripple him. Help him, or he will never be the same. The core of the man that we have both fallen for will be gone. Hardened, empty, indignant.

So where do we go from here…..

Well, I must find peace through this pain, and I think that starts with letting you know that I forgive you. I have loved him for five years. I still love him, and probably will for the rest of my life. It may take months or years for me to heal, but I will. I will lift my chin and face the agony of stitching the pieces of my heart back together. I will find the courage I need to face the world as a single mother. I will fight back the tears every time my son says, “Dada home”. I have faith that God has bigger plans for me. And once my heart has been put back together, I will find strength in my scars. I will be stronger, better, more resilient because of this. One day I will be able to hold my head high again and find happiness in the new life I will have created for myself.

But you, where will you be? After a few months or years, how will life be for you? Once the initial passion and butterflies are gone. Once life sets in, and the initial yearning is gone. Where will you be then? Maybe you will still be with him, maybe not. If you are, I can only imagine how unassured you will be. After all, you know he’s a cheater. It took less than a month of seeing you for him to leave his wife and son. You, better than anyone else now, know exactly what he is capable of. How will you react when he works late or has late night messages come through on his phone? What will you think when he speaks to the other women at work? Most likely it will spark jealousy. It will cause you to worry, to doubt, to suspect, and rightly so. Again, you know what he is capable of.

All the above is why I have spent the past few nights praying for both of you. I may be the one in excruciating pain right now, but I won’t hurt like this forever. Every day I will heal more, but your pain and trials have yet to begin. When that time comes, when you start to feel a minuscule amount of my pain, just know that I will be praying for you. I wouldn’t wish my agony on anyone, not even you.

Always,
The First Wife

Ephesians 4:31-32 – Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.