Ok, Not Ok

Those who have been following my blog, know that I have written a lot about emotions. Talking about my feeling and emotions is sort of my MO these days. I guess that is to be expected given the fact I am navigating through a very emotional time in my life. Although I feel like I have done a tremendous amount of healing over the recent months, these past few weeks have been especially hard on me. I have experienced a great deal of loss in a short amount of time, and my heart is distressed. I have written about plenty of subjects since my last post. I have written positive posts about how to be idealistic and hopeful, but I found a constant disconnect between my words and my heart. I just can’t bring myself to post something that I’m not wholeheartedly in tune with.  I started this blog in hopes of helping people and finding my own peace through cathartic writing. I cannot do that if I am keeping my genuine feelings masked, or if I misrepresent where I am emotionally.

Right now, I feel drained from trying to appear as if I am holding it all together. Why do people try so hard to hide that they are not ok? Sometimes it’s ok to not be ok. While it is extremely important to not allow ourselves to melt into depression, having moments of emotional release is healthy. We need to stop trying to ‘fake it until we make it’. Instead, let yourself put your pity party pants on for a minute, and let it go. Let’s face it, sometimes circumstances suck the life right out of you. No matter what you are going through, whether your situation is like mine, or completely different, your problems are valid. If they are continually affecting any part of you, they need to be dealt with. While I am proud of my efforts to try to look on the bright side, occasionally the negative feelings must be faced head on. Sometimes, that means allowing yourself to become flooded by the hurt and pain. It can be more beneficial than you may realize.

In the past, I have mentioned that we need to be an example to our children on how to handle emotions.  What better way, than to let them see us handle ourselves at our lowest?  Don’t get me wrong, if you’re are uncontrollably sobbing, put a Barney rerun on the tv and take yourself to the bathroom until you can pull yourself together a little better. Then, come out and talk to your child about what is going on. Putting my 13-year-old, four-legged, best friend down a couple of weeks ago was heart-wrenching. While my son did not go to the vet with me, I was still crying when I saw him a short while after. The conversation went like this:

W: “Mommy cry? Mommy sad?”

Me: “Yes honey, Mommy is sad. Kiya is gone, and Mommy is sad.”

W: “Kiya gone?”

Me: “Yes honey. Kiya is gone, and Mommy is sad because Mommy misses Kiya.”

My sweet little boy gave me a hug, quickly became distracted by his pirate themed Mr. Potato Head toy, and ran off content and without concern. That was it. No more, no less, and I hope that the raw simplicity of my explanation will be a benefit to him later in life. I hope that he learns it is alright to be upset, and that it is acceptable to cry. I hope that he will see that there is no shame to feeling sad and that expressing his feelings is normal.

As stated earlier, it is healthy to deal with unpleasant emotions. The feelings are there and they are not going away. Even if I give an Oscar-worthy performance of a strong and sturdy person; even if I keep my anguish pushed down deep; even if I find the positive side and do my utmost to keep it my center focus; the darkness doesn’t just disappear. Eventually, it has to be unbridled and let loose. So, we must find a suitable and safe place for ourselves to release our own mental restrictions, and temporarily succumb to the sadness and suffering. Release the negative and allow yourself to renew the positive. In other words, order an eviction notice to the bad feelings to make more room for the good ones.

In the first few weeks after my husband left, the number of people who reached out to me was astronomical. I felt so much love and support from so many people. But life moves on, and slowly (and with good reason) my love life wasn’t at the forefront of everyone’s mind. Not to mention, I had done my best to put my game face on and keep a lot concealed. Now here I am, four months down the road, and while my typical days are filled with more joy than suffering, the sorrow can creep in and grab a hold of me when I least expect it. Family and friends don’t automatically equate these bad days to my separation, and probably equate it to a simple bad mood.  My current problems are going to linger for a while. In fact, I am pretty sure that I will feel the effects of my husband’s misdoings for the rest of my life. So yeah, four months in, it still hurts. People generally want to help, but they can’t if they don’t know that you are struggling.

So, the next time you are dealing with something painful in life, remember that it is ok to be not ok. Life is full of disappointments. Some disappointments are heavier than others, but the strength that comes from pushing through life while carrying the weight of these negative feelings is immense. In the end, you can turn around and look at the progress you have made. When you put the person you were next to the person you have become, it is easy to see the substantial difference. It is then that you will see your true abilities, vigor, and full potential. In that moment, you will realize how strong you are and what you are capable of overcoming; no matter what this world throws your way.

More than likely tomorrow will be a great day, but today I’m just going to be ok, with being not ok.

Psalm 6:6-9 – I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.