As babies, we cling to our mothers. As children, we desire playmates. As teenagers, we develop true friendships that can last years. As adults, we find ourselves looking for spouses; partners with whom we can cultivate our futures and spend the rest of our lives with. I think it is safe to say that in general, we have a long history of craving companionship. We pine for contact and conversation. We want to connect with people. Once these connections are made, once we build a powerful bond with another, a separation from them can leave an emptiness within us.

I strongly believe that the union of marriage is one of the deepest bonds we create. So, it is no surprise that when a marriage ends, it causes us to experience a grave level of loneliness. I can still feel the profound and hollowed-out hole left inside me. Although it is not constant, the loneliness in this season of my life has been debilitating. The varying sources of the loneliness are hard to pinpoint, and I can’t always explain the reasons behind the feelings. I have spent a lot of my time, not only figuring out what triggers me to feel alone but also how to defeat it. I am slowly overcoming the loneliness, and learning to replace it with fulfillment.

I felt alone in my house. In the evenings, once my son went to sleep, there was an unsettling and dense quietness. Although I won’t go as far as to say I have completely gotten used to it, I have begun to fill the loneliness. I am writing again (obviously), I am reading, I am catching up on my old favorite tv series, and on occasion, a family member or friend may come to visit. Sometimes, if my day has been exhaustingly hectic, I enjoy taking advantage of the quiet unobtrusiveness. On these nights, I take time to think about my life, to productively reflect on the past, and to pray for guidance for my future. I am happy to say the silence of my nights that I once feared, has become an appreciated part of my day.

I felt alone trying to take the higher road. I stumble like everyone does, but I’ve put a lot of effort into trying to handle things honorable way. Everybody likes to think that doing the ‘right thing’ makes you feel great, but it doesn’t always work that way. The choice of taking the honest and ethical path does not guarantee that the efforts will be reciprocated. If there is no reciprocation, I can either meet the other person at their lower level or fight to try to stay on the elevated path in which I started. Continuing how I started means there must be a willingness to turn the other cheek. FYI, this hurts. The sting of every slap is felt. Over time, the value in choosing the higher road can become obscure. This is when I try to fill my mind with thoughts of the future. I force myself to picture how I want my life to be in five or ten years. I remind myself that I am doing it to set a precedence for my son. There is no accolade for doing the right thing, apart from self-reflection and a heavenly reward. Good thing God, my family, and I are my priorities.

I felt alone in public places, surrounded by people. It feels like everywhere I look there are happy couples; people who are fortunate enough to be with the person they love. It is easy for me to feel like the ‘odd man out’. Social media is full of relationship statuses, engagements, weddings, and anniversaries. Parks are overflowing with Mommies and Daddies playing with their children and making fun memories. Restaurants are crowded with people and families celebrating love and quality time. My own family members are all amazing examples of people fortifying the promise of marriage. During these times, I fill my mind with the hopes of my future. I observe and pay close attention to these couples. Not in a creepy stalker way, but simply in hopes of learning from them. I am trying to discover the qualities that I want in a future partner and what I want my future relationships to be like. I try to use these moments as my own personal ‘Dating Study Hall’. Besides, as long as I have my son with me I will never be the ‘odd man out’. Last time I checked, one plus one made two. Insert “Just the Two of Us” theme song.

I felt alone in my struggles. At times, it feels like no one understands. I’ve expressed before how much support I have, but nobody will truly understand how I feel unless they have been through it themselves. So, I tried to spend time talking to people who have been through what I’m going through. People who are now on the other side of separation and divorce, and thriving. I fill my mind with the understanding that it’s not going to be like this forever. I will get through this. I am blessed to have so many people reach out and coach me through this process. I fill my mind with the stories of these survivors. These extraordinarily resilient men and women who have conquered their own trials and have come out stronger, and with a future far greater than they could have imagined. Far better than the life they would be leading if they were still with their previous spouse.

I felt alone and detached from people. I met my husband in a foreign country where we worked and lived together. We were all we had for the better portion of our relationship and marriage. When we relocated back to the states, I was so focused on establishing our life here and trying to properly arrange all of the pieces of our home, our family, and jobs, it never dawned on me that I was neglecting to build new friendships, or even reestablish the ones I had before I left. Since my husband left, I’ve attempted to remedy that, and I’ve reached out to many of my old friends. I am working through my confidence issues, stepping out of my comfort zone, and making new friends. Many of the old and new friends have kids my son’s age, so he is building friendships of his own. Double points for the win!

Conquering my loneliness has not been easy. It is an active and daily decision to choose to replace my loneliness with fulfillment. Although it may have started as a daunting and aimless task, this choice has given me a new and satisfying taste of contentment. My heart feels less dejected and has been lightened with a fresh appreciation for my new life. I hope that you can do the same.

Proverbs 13:12 – “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”